The past few months have been a delicate mix of existential crisis and spiritual awakening, driven by a loss of discipline and the need to find a purpose in life.

I sometimes find myself awake at 7:30am, ready to take on the day but going back to sleep at 10am, crushed by the absence of will and purpose. Because what is the reason to be if not to do. I don’t think I lack willpower or motivation, even though lack of activity results in some kind of loss of motivation.

I randomly get hit by waves of despair, feeling like nothing I do matters or ever will and on the other hand, I get a rush of inspiration, hope and creativity; which nonetheless is sometimes followed by productivity.

All this free time however did me good in some aspects, I get to journal more, I get to engage in physical activities, especially yoga. I always enjoyed my alone time, but somehow it recently felt more like a punishment than a blessing.

I have time, but time without structure has lost its meaning.

Am I missing something? Maybe I haven’t found a decent incentive to get me going, to wake me up every morning, eager to do the same task I did yesterday, and being excited at night to be doing the exact same thing the next morning.

So I tried to make a list of activities and disciplines that I love and could help me get back on track (whatever that means) and help me live a life of purpose.

Writting (blog, press articles)

If there is one thing I have been consistent with for the last ten years is my blog. Even if I haven’t posted regularly for the past ten years, I have written. I can’t imagine myself not doing and my blog. I am a bit hard on myself which is why nothing really gets posted but I feel like a reached a point where I can accept if my article isn’t perfect, because there is no such thing as perfection and I can always get back to it to update it. I love the time I spend reflecting on myself, researching, editing, writing, I used to interact a lot with my readers but no one reads blogs anymore, not until recently. This is my perfect creative and personal outlet.

Helping others (moving day, keeping their pets)

I think some activities aren’t necessarily defined by what makes me happy, what I enjoy but also what makes me useful. Which also brings me some kind of happiness and a sense of fulfilment of its own. I always thrive when I am of help. When a friend need a hand to fix something in their house, when they go on vacation and I take care of their pets, when they just need someone to not feel alone to execute their daily tasks. This is also how my parents raised me, but I do feel like I have a purpose when I can accomplish a task for or with someone, when I am needed.

Gardening, taking care of plants

I always had a green thumb, as far back as I can remember. I used to have gardening tool kits as a kid for my birthdays. It soothes me, the minutiae, the time it takes, the reward when the plant finally stand tall, strong and green. it is a daily chore a thoroughly enjoy. My house is full of them. It kind of smells like a horse’s ass sometimes because of the potting soil but what a blessing. I can’t wait to have a big green garden as soon as I can afford it.

Drawing, editing

I discovered this passion for drawing (digitally to be precise) and editing when I actually started my blog. I always wanted to add cool editorial designs, or a specific banner for a post. I find the creative process really stimulating as I never do the same thing. I’ve learned a lot by myself, how to use the Adobe suite, how to use Final Cut Pro, how to use a graphics tablet, the science behind a good font. It is all so exciting. And I love learning through my friends too.

Sewing

I learned how to sew at a very young age, as my mother and grandmother used to either sew or knit our clothes. I used to find it very embarrassing and now I realise it was a huge privilege. Like any child growing up, I wanted to do the same thing as my mom, and I got a small (children friendly) sewing machine for my 7th Christmas. Since then, I learned a lot from the women of my family. I always patched up my own clothes as a kid. I recently got gifted a very recent Singer sewing machine and I just can’t wait to make my own clothes again. Wearing your own piece is so magical, and the pride you get when someone likes it is unmatched.

Playing music

I used to play bassoon and transverse flute. I started flute around 6 years old, however my instrument of choice was the saxophone but I couldn’t play because I had just lost my front teeth. Around 9 years old I started the bassoon. Thing was bigger than me at the time. I stopped everything when I turned 16 years old, because I wanted to make more friends and go out more. I regret it so much. It was indeed time consuming because I had orchestra for each of the two instruments, and individual lessons for each too. I still have my flute and really want to get back to it. Hopefully, I’ll join an orchestra again in a few years.

Work

This one my come of as a joke but I do love working. I love being stimulated by a job I enjoy, that makes me want to push myself, think, that gives me a rush. I love being in action and also the social aspect to it. You get to spend the day socialising with often really great people that hopefully shares the same interest you have for the task at hand. I worked for 4 years for the same brand and I love it, even if sometimes it brought me to tears, stress even burnout I still loved being active and being activated.

I could make a longer list but my enthusiasm will decrease as the list grows longer. I recently learned that all these passions, these activities that make you feel alive, altogether constitute your Ikigai.

As of now, I barely do any of the activities listed before on a daily basis, I even force myself to engage with them. Thing is, when you do everything, eat, sleep, get ready, relax, work and have fun in the same space it all becomes a mess of nothing. I don’t want to work at home. I need places that belong to different parts of my life; somewhere to write, somewhere to work, somewhere to move, somewhere to simply exist. Maybe I need to rebuild a sense of separation between the things I do, instead of letting everything dissolve into the same four walls.

I need to find what are often called “third places”: different spaces for different parts of myself, where each activity can exist on its own while still creating a sense of balance.

This is what I aim to do.

This post is a way of committing myself to engaging more with my activities, my passions, to keep me going and get a move on. I don’t think I’ve figured it out. I don’t think I’m supposed to. For now, I’m just trying to pay closer attention to the things that make me feel alive and to give them a little more room in my life. For the better I hope.

Let’s check back in a few months, shall we?

NB: I work freelance and do not have a 9-5 which also plays a strong role in my daily routine.

Now, what is your ikigai? What gets you going every day?

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